She told me more than I thought I'd learn on a Monday after Thanksgiving. One thing stuck with me and reminded me of the Flogging Molly song "The Son [sic] Never Shines On Closed Doors". (Note: the use of "son" is intentional and reflects the lead singer's coming-to-terms with his difficult childhood.) "The report card or the grading scale is based around how you treat other people, but also how you treat yourself." The woman described one person's experience as being so damaging that she chose to shut herself off from others. She grew to live in a box, an emotional shut-in who intentionally chose that route. "It's interesting because she was very aware of what she was doing, it was like a defense mechanism."
I've opted for a very long time to keep people at arm's length. I prefer to have a few close friends, but often gravitate towards more superficial relationships because they are less dangerous. You aren't exposed to as much risk if you truly never engage with people. The problem is that you end up like the person I heard about - shut in, boxed out, "ornery", prickly, and very, very lonely. It still seems counterintuitive to think about actually opening up to people, because I don't trust very easily. I'm learning, though, that it's very difficult to live on your own. Don't get me wrong, I have several very good friends and a wonderful family upon whom I can depend and whom I trust, literally, with my life. Beyond that, I've chosen in the past to spend my time with people that I knew I could "trust" to not pry too far into my life. It's becoming harder to keep that going; the older I get, the less time I want to spend in crowded bars unless I'm watching my friends play music. What this woman told me yesterday confirms that thought I keep trying to push away - I'm Doing It Wrong.
Anybody got a quick fix for bad judgment?
Death comes like a thief in the night
to steal, while you sleep, the soul's flickering light
to steal, while you sleep, the soul's flickering light
"Well maybe it's then," she said, "I'll see you again
because the son never shines on closed doors"
because the son never shines on closed doors"
She said "The son never shines on closed doors.
I open to find only hurricanes blow
I open to find only hurricanes blow
Take me away to the green fields of May
because the son never shines on closed doors."
because the son never shines on closed doors."
And we all go the same way home.